The Journals of Agravaine
by Hubert24601
Summary: Agravaine, uncle to Arthur, is hiding a deep and darkest secret of the greatest kind. Other than his betrayal, that is. Crack!fic, Merlin.4.07. A/G Rated T
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So I realize this is going to be the strangest crack!fic I have ever written. It's not graphic because I can't even think about this pairing without laughing (and consequently choking on my spit), so I don't know what I would even do if I dared to go further. Probably fall off my chair, or worse. I don't even know if this pairing EXISTS. Let alone if I'll do a decent job trying to stay OOC. Erm, so, here I go. I hope you laugh too.

Disclaimer: I own not Merlin or any of the characters or scenes mentioned herein. Takes place during Merlin S04 E07.

Rated: T

Pairing A/G (BAHAHAH)

**Presenting**

**The Journals of Agravaine (Concerning Many Troublesome Things)**

Dear journal. I don't know how to feel. I'm having trouble breathing. It all began when I made my usual trip to Morgana's hovel – really, she should get real furnishings for that terrible place – and the subject of Gaius came up, rather suddenly. It was so unexpected, I hadn't, that is to say, well, I wasn't expecting it. My heart first froze, and then it began pounding even harder, I could hear it in my ears. Suddenly, all I could think about was Gaius in a whole new light. The way his white hair curled, fresh from a bath, giving it that yellow tinge tone, the way his dark eyes shone each time he burped. The beautiful noises he made whenever he ate, or, perhaps, the way his tongue sort of… lolled out of his mouth in a totally awe-inspiring way when he concentrated.

Morgana must have noticed my silence, for she asked me what was the matter. To my embarrassment, I spurted the name of my love in raptures. Gaius was the man to give us the answers. Gaius was the one that we would bring into our presence, and then he would be with me forever and ever. Well, I left that part out. I was still half stunned by my epiphany.

It was all I could talk about when I got back to the palace. Arthur wished to know of my opinion as to who could be a possible traitor, but all I could speak of was Gaius! Gaius, Gaius, Gaius, my love. How you smell like the potions you brew so well. How I love to speak of your name, even if it is in my bedchamber… alone… at night.

Ah, but there is the chambermaid. Yes, Gwen was rather pretty, especially her hair, but since Gaius… my Gaius! Even Morgana cannot compare.

Oh, sweet Gaius. How I dream of thee in my chambers, stroking my jet black greasy hair.

Till tomorrow, when I shall finally lay eyes on you again, my sweet.

**Agravaine**

3df3b44cf4 


	2. Interlude

Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for those lovely reviews. They made my day! I am so pleased that you want some more of this, so your wish is my command.

RachellyRose had a wonderful idea, so here is my take.

Takes place a few days later, following some disturbing posts...

"Gwen!" A snort of laughter. "You have to see this!"

"Did you make Arthur put his shirt on backward again, Merlin?"

"I would never!" All innocence.

"What happened? Why are you on the floor?"

"I found..." Merlin shook with laughter and was unable to continue.

"Are those tears in your eyes?" Guinevere was getting exasperated.

"A-Agravaine...!" It came out as a splutter.

"Merlin!"

"Gaius...sheep...tongue...bahahahahahhaha!"

Gwen ripped the book from his hands and read aloud slowly, "'Dear Journal, today Gaius looked me in the eye. I tried to tell him with my eyes what mere words could not express, but I'm afraid it came out as a grimace. His hair was fluffy today, as fine as a sheep's backside -' Merlin, did you write this?!"

Merlin snorted and tried to get off the floor but failed rather miserably, hysteria still in effect. "N-no!"

Gwen hmm'd disapprovingly, not believing him.

Merlin gasped, pointing at the book. "R-read..." and collapsed into laughter again.

Gwen reluctantly continued, her expression going more disturbed by the second.

She gasped when she finished the entry.

"Lord Agravaine?"

His name only made Merlin laugh harder, and after a moment of shock, in a totally unlike gentle Gwen move, she joined Merlin.

And when Arthur came across them an hour later laughing on the floor, yelling words at each other, he turned abruptly on his heel and left without notice, muttering about the servants and that there must be something in the water, for Gwen would never enter the tavern.

X.x.x.x.x.x.x

It's just a short interlude until another journal post! And Gwen and Merlin are yelling lines from Agravaine's journal at each other.

Thank you, everyone! -sends bananas through Time Vortex-  
P.S. I made a small teaser trailer for this story! If anyone wants to view it I'll post the link on my homepage! It was just too funny to pass up really.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Journal,

I do not know what has happened, exactly, but I hate Arthur's serving boy.

We were in the middle of writing a proclamation that the townfolk move their livestock (namely sheep) closer to the Northern Borders, and the boy had the nerve to laugh and interrupt my speech.

He, a serving boy, interrupt me, a Lord, with a face as red as a cherry? Perhaps I could convince one of my lads to slip a little - into his supper.

No, I cannot do that, he pleases my Gaius so much, I am rather jealous. I do not believe Gaius knows of my raptures at present, nor do I wish him to.

A man of my standing being witnessed with a servant? Our love would be dismissed immediately.

Ah, but Gaius. He is all I adore, all I love. If only he knew how often I gazed into his deep eyes, not with hatred as he doubtless thinks of me, but of sweet sweet love. Though he does not think I notice, I see him looking at me too, and I can only hope for requieted feelings.

His noises I find more adorable every moment that passes. This journal used to be about plans, but now, a greater thing encompasses my thoughts. Gaius. And me. Alone. At night. In my chambers -

I hear someone knocking. Perhaps it is my love.

**Agravaine**


End file.
